Thursday, April 08, 2010

If my blog were a bar in the Virgin Islands

Peter Magill talked about wanting to pack his blog with visitors and contributors in the hope that it would encourage others to "come in" off the street so to speak just like the "happy hour" did in his bar on the Virgin Islands.

Unfortunately, although his blog had more hits in one day than perhaps we all get combined in one year, he said he was never able to "get the party started."

I thought about this bar analogy so what do you reckon my blog would look like if it were a bar?

I reckon...

If my blog were a bar of course I'd be there polishing classes with my "racing arm warmers" telling bad jokes. "Ewen", who would be attracted by the happy hour, would be telling stories and giving advice until about the 6th bourbon when he would start on a few bad jokes of his own, repeating something about black fish and soon after pass out on the bar's counter.

"Rick" would be there too but he'd be on the dance floor, a few sheets to the wind as well, holding his dog "Tess" up by the front paws and mock dancing while mumbling something about "Newtons" "PBs" and "Marius Bakken."

"Grellan" and "Thomas" would walk by stick their heads in and say "hello" but after a look around at the empty expanse and Ewen lying in a puddle of his own drool on the bar they'd kindly say their goodbyes deciding they'd be better off going home to share a cup of tea.

"Bay" is missing but there is a postcard from him stuck on the bar's mirror from some "mystery Island in the pacific."

Although I'd called "Steve Lacey" earlier to tell him about "happy hour" He obviously knew that I wouldn't be serving anything but generic beer and, I guess, opted to stay home and brew his own. Still he was kind enough to tell "Bob" about it and I'm sure he'll turn up.

A few people would come in from time to time but on seeing Rick only wearing a pair of Speedos and a black shirt with the words "DESPERADO" written on it they'd quickly back out the door.

"SpeedyGeoff" would come in but not long after correcting my grammar and shaking Ewen to tell him about a training session the "Speedy Geese" had in the morning, he'd leave.

Nearing 12 midnight I'd be just about to kick Ewen and Rick out but while pouring myself a long cool one, two athletic, attractive girls would move forcefully towards the bar. Ewen would opened one eye and Rick would stop feeding bar nuts to Tess, adjusted his pants and head in the same direction.

It may be late but the party would be just starting. Let me call "Robert Song" and "Fast Eddie". They might even bring "Toasty" along I haven't seen him for a while. Perhaps not, "but a girl can dream right?"


  1. What's going on here? Hmm, not much. And what's that smell? Oh, that's Ewen of course. And what's the scouser doing with his dog?

    The beer's shite as well. You just can't get decent Guinness outside my local.

    Waiter! Where's my tea?

  2. Gosh staying off the grog is having more of an impact on you than I thought it would.

    Did you hear the joke about the dyslexic guy who walked into a bra?

    I will try to remember to take the phone off the hook before I go to bed in future.

  3. I'm there! Even though we have to wait until 12 for the girls to show up....

  4. Hell I'm sure I had that nightmare after drinking too much the other night!!!
    It was ewen's turn to buy a round and as he was about to open his dusty wallet......
    I should point out to Thomas I am 3/4 Mancunian and a 1/4 norwegian, not that there is anything wrong with being a Scouser you understand!
    Yes Scott you do need to attract more females to your bar, first you need to get a bouncer to keep Ewen, myself and Tess out, then you can improve the image of the place:]

  5. As I was saying Ewen was just about to open his dusty old wallet when a cold desert wind blew the bar room door open, a tumble down grass rolled across the wooden floor and an eerie silence filled the air!
    As he opened his wallet a bright beam of light erupted out from the depths of his shabby old money bag, within a second the light and Ewen were gone!
    Dam once again Ewen had ecaped getting the drinks in!!!

  6. If you had the athletic looking girls in the opening paragraph I just might have stayed for a Guinness. Or maybe you're referring to Ewen and Rick and how there appearance changed after one too many long cool ones.

  7. Ah, I might be a random from afar, but I'd definitely drop by.... there's nothing like freezing cold low quality beer on a warm humid evening!

    Besides, I'm thinking of moving all my fieldwork to the site in the photo (I'm assuming it's near the bar?).

    Nice post - haven't laughed so much in a while.

  8. Quick Scott! Change your blog to a bar... it's s#!thouse as a running blog anyway.

    Despite what Rick may think, the wallet has enough pre '66 pound notes in it to shout the bar... So, decent non-Steve Lacey brewed beers for all! And I'll borrow one of your girly arm warmers Scott to use as a stubbie holder.

  9. "So, decent non-Steve Lacey brewed beers for all! "

    That is a goddamned oxymoron you oxymoron! And you lost a hyphen or two.

    Now, if Scotts's blog were a bar, I reckon it'd be like an old western saloon, and beyond swinging saloon doors would be tumbleweeds rolling down a dusty street. Two old cow pokes would saunter in and one would say, "So, what'll ya have, Tex?" and the other would say "Reckon I'll have me a fix a Gatorade, Sal" and Sal would reply, "That's a mighty farn choice, there Tex, but I'm a think ah'll be havin' a six-pack a Glucosamine with one o' them there ameeno aceed chasers."

    And so on and so on :-)

  10. OK Steve, I'll pass up the non-Steve-Lacey-brewed beers for one of yours if you're paying.

    If old cow pokes are talking like that and if Scott is pulling beers while wearing girly arm-warmers then we must have stumbled into a gay bar. Not that there's anything wrong with that ;)