"How to lose friends and infuriate people"

Having a few problems with the wife of late. Don't get me wrong I love her dearly but she has the ability to take me from calm to t-minus losing it in 30 seconds.

I suppose she'd say the say the same about me and she'd be right I can be bloody annoying when I put my mind to it or even when I don't.

I remember my high school history teacher telling me I had an exceptional ability to get under people's skin. She was also right and it was around that time that I penned my first essay entitled "How to Lose Friends and Infuriate People." I was, of course,being facetious, but I did think that if I set out a list of things that would piss people off it could be used as a guide to doing good. That is, by simply not doing these things it would put one on a path to popularity.

I outlined a list of ten things that would annoy the shit out of almost everyone.

I'll share a few.

#1 When someone falls over near you don't offer to help them up. Rush over to them and while standing over them with a stupid smirk clap slowly at least 10 times. This never fails to boil their potatoes.

#2 About 15 minutes after meeting someone tell them they look so much like either a "Terry" or "Ruth" that you used to know and that is what you are going to call them from now on!

#3 Instead of complementing someone on their dress sense ask them if their mother will buy you the same shirt when she's at Walmart next time!

The list goes on and if you'd like to get punched in he head I'll be happy to send you the complete first chapter.